HOME

WE’RE COMING HOME!

This is equal parts exciting and terrifying to me. I’ll explain why in a minute; but if this post is extra emotional, just know that I currently have all the emotions. All the feelings. All the things. It’s been a very busy, stressful month working out all the details. I’m finally confident that it’s all happening. It helps that we finally got our one-way plane tickets today; we’re moving back to California in less than two weeks!

We’ve had a rough go of things the last few months, as have so many others. Our troubles are probably a little different than most, but it’s no surprise that I think we’re all still struggling. I mean we’re fine, right? Right. We’re fine. Sure we are.

Alright, here’s the story. We flew home to California in June for a much needed break and time with family (Yes, I packed up my kids and put them on an airplane during a pandemic. More than once. It’s fine, you can judge me.). A few days before our flight from Chicago to San Jose, our study coordinator informed us that UCLA had just opened as an injection site. And we should change our round trip tickets to one way tickets and just move home. In three days. Oh, you just signed a year lease? Oh, you have a life in Chicago? Oh, you need some time to wrap everything up before you can move? Oh, you’re not looking forward to moving AGAIN? For the third time in less than a year? Well, too bad. “They” have spoken. And “they” are pulling the plug on financial assistance for rent.

If you know me, you know that my reaction to this was probably “WTF. NO.” I mean yes, take me home. But move in three days?! No. Even if by some miracle I could have made that happen (while Justin worked and I watched a newly VERY mobile one year old and a three year old who needs A LOT of help), we locked ourselves into a year lease in April. Because in April, we were told a California site was likely 9-12 months from opening. So…  ya. NO.

After a lot of emails, letters, phone calls, and so many new gray hairs, we reached a compromise. The sponsor would pay our rent until we could find someone to move into our apartment. And thank goodness our landlord was okay with this situation. And thank goodness we were able to find someone to take over our lease relatively quickly. Throw in scheduling movers, packing, selling, giving away, cleaning, parenting, and living… it’s been a wild few months. But it’s all coming together.

Writing this post, jumping through these hoops, spending so many hours arguing, discussing, scheduling this move; it all really has me thinking about home. Home means something different to everyone. Home is where the heart is. Home is wherever I’m with you. Home is a feeling, not a place. But you know what? To me, home is where my people are. While we’ve built a life in Chicago with so many wonderful people, it’s never felt like home. And given more time, I’m sure that I would get to a point where I had people in Chicago. But the vast majority of our people are in California. And even if I can’t see you and hug you (damn you, coronavirus!), I want to be near you. I need that strength in numbers that only home can provide.

Now that I’ve told you my latest story and shared arguably too many of my emotions, I’ll give you a little day-to-day update. Millie has been on a scary downward spiral until a few weeks ago, but I think we might be on an upswing. We have a looooooong way to go, but I’m feeling a lot less hopeless. A few weeks ago we were getting very few smiles, Millie wasn’t eating or drinking, and struggled to even sit up on her own. But she seems to have rediscovered her appetite, is sitting up nice and tall unassisted, and is smiling more and more. It’s going to be a long road, but Justin and I really feel that being home and around our support system (again with the people!) will also really help. She is very very very excited to be going back to “Flo’s home” full time. As are we all!

Nate is a wild animal. No really, he’s everywhere. All the time. He is so happy and so full of awe at the world. A new sound makes him giggle hysterically. He loves to watch the waves, but has finally figured out if he doesn’t walk toward the water we pretty much let him wander. Birds, flowers, dogs, sticks, clouds… he’s fascinated by all things outside. His favorite pastime inside? Banging on the door to go outside. Yes, I’m serious. I can’t wait for him to have a yard!

We walk or bike to Lake Michigan multiple times a day. It’s no Pacific Ocean, but it’s beautiful. And I can walk there. And I will sorely miss that… the walking and biking trails near our apartment are wonderful. We have picnic dinners with the kids at the lake most nights. We go to the harbor and watch the sailing classes go in and out of the harbor in their tiny boats, chasing tennis balls. We watch the yachts come and go with their giant wakes; the swimmers and sun bathers yelling that they are too close to shore. We bike to the northern-most end of the lakeshore trail and eat donuts on the beach. You better believe we are taking full advantage of our proximity to the lake.

The future is pretty hazy right now. Weekly flights to LA. New doctors. New routines. New, new, new. It’s going to take awhile to hit our stride. But we’ll get there. And we’ll have our people to help us.